To write?

Good morning!
There is the loveliest little praying mantis living in the garden! Of course, I frightened the poor dear when attempting my amateurish photography :) Also, a tiny grasshopper and...a MUTANT SUSAN! there are several of them--why?? i haven't sprayed them with nasty chemicals, and yet...these seem unnatural! (not actually that worried :)
So, confession of a time-waster: i finished the entire series (one season, poo) of Freaks and Geeks yesterday. it took me about a week...well, maybe two. But if you're reading a good book you don't just stop in the middle--so i had to keep watching because it was awesome and there were so many moments that made me smile...or even gasp, throw my hands over my mouth, and squeal for joy :) lots of cringing moments, too, kids heading for trouble...but you have to get to the end to know that everything, ultimately, is probably going to be all right. Anyway, thank you Christi for introducing me to so many great works of film and literature. :) WATCH IT! viva la netflix! or something :)

A poem, working out the 'what to do with life?' question. and now, it's off to work! have a great day!


I stole a glance into a greater mind
Whose words held power to persuade my own
To cower, beaten...(Pause. Breathe deep. Rewind)
...To learn from him: write willing, weak, unknown--
For strength is in the training, triumph in
The facing-of, emasculating, fear--
In, beaten senseless once, swinging again,
Or knowing when to walk--? It isn't clear...
Pursuit is welded to the mad-man Risk,
And Money to My Comfort (and my pride),
But passions, dreams, are plaguing me with this:
A vision of a life I can't abide.
To write, or not to write? Half-life or whole?
An empty pocket and a peaceful soul.

some cute things, some mopey things

picture 1: baby clothes!!
picture 2: orca feltie!
picture 3: my new favorite--SLOTH feltie!!!!
picture 4: an upside-down picture (grrr!) from yesterday when i was worrying about things
picture 5: a (sideways--double-grrr!) fret-map...??

finally, a song! ok, this is from yesterday, too--was SO tired i don't think it was helping me have a positive outlook, so...it's a mopey song! yay.

I. You were just a story
Never meant to be real,
Safely stored in memory
So I didn't have to deal.
Now I hear a rumor,
Says you're back again.
Well, I hope you have a sense of humor
Cause I'm not your long-lost friend.

Ch: When are you gonna say
I'm not living the life that I should?
That I've faded and betrayed
All that I had, all that was good

II. You were just a poet
Never meant to change my life,
You lived, I tried to follow
but I couldn't get it right.
It was easier just to run away,
And feed my dreams to Reason,
But she just turned away,
Explaining, "this is treason."

III. How can I forgive you
When you turn me upside down?
Or fill the shoe that wanders
But rarely meets the ground?
Hand me a pen and paper,
Please hold my shaking hand,
Then drop it, drop it, gently.
I hope you understand.

A plea, a plug, and a poem

Good late-morning!

I am so sleepy. 2.5 hours of sleep last night. If anyone has ANY recommendation/counsel for getting over being scared of the dark (or really, crazy creepy psychos who may attack you when it's dark)...i'd appreciate it. because this is RIDICULOUS and MADDENING and CANNOT CONTINUE. and don't worry, it's not every night, just the home-alone nights. i need: 1) a big dog 2) a small gun 3) sleeping meds and/or (but most definitely 4) faith that God loves and protects me. but then i start worrying about all the horrible things that DO happen in the world, even to good people, so...i realized last night that my problem is that i assume it's more likely for God to let bad things happen to people than to protect and save them from them. or something. i'm all confused and really pissed off at myself, and a little upset with God for not taking away all my fear just like *that* even though i prayed about it. why????

but before last night, it was a lovely weekend full of snuggling old puppies, feeding/patting horses, gathering eggs, and petting pretty barn cats. and finishing a great book, The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets)! Which is a novel about Britain post-WWII. reading Maisie Dobbs and this last book are making me want to homeschool so i can have my kids read well-written historical novels along with their history textbooks. What Maisie and The Lost Art do that i love is give you an idea of what it was like for people to actually live through the war and its aftermath. The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets centers around 4 British teenagers and makes a note of the fact that they grew up during the war, so living in a time of war is their norm. And now that rationing, etc, is over--there's so much more freedom but so much change that it's both incredible and disconcerting/confusing. Etc. Etc. I'm not a seasoned book-reviewer, so i'll stop there before i make it sound ridiculous, but seriously you should read it! and does anyone out there have any other historical novels that they love and would recommend?

This poem moves too quickly/flippantly.

I used to love the hidden things--
The secret, sacred ones--
The golden fleece, the waxen wings,
The stallion-driven Sun...

The stories one must seek to learn,
The lore by Time undone--
And undermined by busy lives
That, frantic always, run

From pageantry to parking lots,
From pressures to parades...

From wonder-craving ancient minds
To six-foot-perfect graves.

Celebration Photos and a Long-ish Quote

Good Morning--nearly the weekend, woo-hoo! images above are from our celebration last night! that little dress is so fun to wear--it inspired me to belt out some jazz while waiting for daniel to finish work :) just need a microphone :(

No poem today, just a quote from this book Surprised by the Voice of God by John Deere:

"The sovereignty of God is scary in another way as well. If we get too close to him, he might send us somewhere we don't want to go, or make us do sommething we don't want to do, or be something we don't want to be--even the last place or thing we want to go, do, or be. We've all heard that dark voice whisper, 'If you get too close to God, your worst fears will come true. He'll hurt you worse than you can bear.' When we believe that voice, we lose some of our confidence in God and we look around for a substitute in which to trust. The substitute may be the Bible, theology, liturgy, church work, or just about any good thing. We can use all these things to keep God and others from getting close enough to hurt us. No one ever does this consciously. Our theology forbids it. No one could get away with saying, 'I have decided to trust theology more than God.'
I didn't say it, didn't know it, but I had done this. The signs were all around me. I had become more comfortable with principles than people, with ideas than intimacy. Principles and ideas don't hurt you like God and people do. And they're much easier to manipulate. The fact that I was an academic made it even easier for me to develop a nonrelational personality in the comfortable world of thought. Had I not been an academic, I could have just as easily hidden in church work or ministry. Fear of intimacy will always find a substitute suitable for your own individual personality. You'll never know you've chosen the substitute unless the mercy of God comes to you. And that mercy may come in pain..."

A juxtaposition

Guess what?! it's the 22nd, which means 9 month anniversary! So tonight, Daniel and I are going to eat dinner at Delesandro's--an italian place i've heard wonderful things about!--and then home for those amaretto martinis i mentioned :) the 'goods' are here...it's gonna happen! and i get to dress up, thanks to Nana who sent me the most adorable little black dress :) yay!

there's a little punky-girl feltie with red heels. christi read that book and said she liked it...i haven't, but thought it'd make a nice back drop :) and a chocolate-covered smiley-berry! our oven at work was broken today (NOT a good thing if you work at a bakery) so we got creative with making things that don't require an oven. such as these strawberries! fun!

and finally, a poem...it was just the first two stanzas but once i typed them out it kept going :) (i think it may be evidence that i'm subconsciously pursuing a career as a rapper...)

Whistling winds and rustling leaves
Rushing waters, words that weave
A spell of sounding symmetry
Of lies that wither, truths that breathe

Of substance on a surface grained
With hard-won triumphs, crouching pain
A first-glance Beauty--second, same--
That Beauty love and wisdom gain

Go, take away her wings, her words
Divide his heartache into thirds
Go, build your kingdom where it hurts
Destroying souls that dared to stir

You know the loveless die alone
While those they've broken make it home
You know this in your hardened heart
(As bones grow thick once torn apart)

The emperor and martyred man
The distant and the close-at-hand
The crown, the crypt, the common-place
May we both live and die with grace

Amaretto Martinis, Mushroom Girls, and a Poem on Lost Things

Hello--
a new bouquet! and more flowers from our yard! also, two "mushroom girl" felties, pattern once again from the Felties book. the 'mushroom girl' is probably my favorite feltie from the book, but due to the beading i'd been putting her off. today was the day!
Here's what i have to look forward to on Wednesday (9 mo anniversary! :) :
Amaretto Martinis! Which, if i am remembering correctly, are--

1 part vanilla vodka,
1 part amaretto liqueur,
maraschino cherry juice (to taste)
maraschino cherry! (garnish)

shake up the liquid components with a little ice so it's not TOO terribly strong.

yummy!!!! hooray for monthly anniversaries :)
and finally, a short little poem:

What's behind the curtain? What's
Beyond the crystal sea?
When all you've loved goes missing,
Both from arms and memory.
But somewhere--in your castle,
Or a dusty, sun-swept land--
What's lost is waiting to be found,
Is holding out its hand.

Thunderstorm as Metaphor (of course!)

Good Monday Morning!
Thought I'd try to post something before leaving for Monday Morning Doubleshot Time with Daniel! :) such a great way to start the week. Finished Maisie Dobbs number 4 over the weekend (Messenger of Truth)...got through the first two pages of number 5 last night (realized it was probably wiser to just sleep :) Anyway, they're still excellent, so you should read them! Good detective stories that are teaching me a TON about post-World War I England as well!

Todays photos:
1. Christi, the Boxcar Children, and the Burrito
2-3. Daniel and I doing our best to emulate devil kitty
4. Cycling tan!! :)
5. Lopsided Samurai Cat (pattern from the Felties book) and Izz-bot the Great!

Short li'l poem:

Only when the words are halting,
Only then you know
(Start and stop, start-stop again,
Afraid to face the "Go")--
There's more to life than picnicking--
Pure, undiluted storm,
And chills that leave you, wondering,
"I'll ne'er again be warm."
Don't ask to see your godmother,
She's sold her wand and wings,
And all that she can do for you
Is whisper, "You poor thing!"
So, are you on your own now?
Forced to grow up far too fast?
Don't assume you have the answers
Till the thunderstorm has passed.

Lovely Rita, Baking

Good Morning!
Another lazy start for me...I DID try to take the trashcan to the curb, but Christi had already done it (thank you!)---which is good, cause i would've been too late anyway. oops! which left me, instead, settling down to a breakfast of tea and cake! (chiapas pound cake from Cake Love) ooh yeah!
oh yeah, and picking another beautiful bouquet. hooray for perennials!!! i included some rosemary in this one, so hopefully it'll smell up the house in the best possible way. :)
Also bought this lovely lime basil soap at the bath and body works sale!
And....i did NOT purchase this cat picture. It was a gift. Probably to Chrisit, from an anonymous source. we'll be hanging it later tonight :) it will haunt me in my dreams.
(Speaking of dreams, I made three new pies at work, which was probably stupid...because i didn't know how they were going to turn out...and i had nightmares about them all night! They have fun names though, all from Baked Explorations: Peaches and Dream, Sawdust, and Peanut Butter-Banana Cream)

And finally, a baking poem:

Lovely Rita never makes
A cookie or a pie
Without the worry her old stove
Might blow her home sky-high.
It smokes and steams and snorts a bit,
The billowing gas is green--
Too poor to buy a new one,
Rita has to chase her dream:
To be a baker, own a shop
(Called "Sweetie-Pie and Cake"),
And daily see the smiles only
Sugar-sweet things make.
She knows that she can do it,
Though, for now, her sweets taste sour--
And more like they were grown in labs,
Than baked with love and flour.
It's all the fault of her old stove,
But Rita doesn't stop--
She knows she needs to practice
If she wants to own a shop!

Napkin Poems

Good afternoon...almost evening!
No photos today, as I'm sitting at the computer in our kitchen at work. Trying to calm butterflies (this everything bagel-sandwich with cream cheese, tomato, and spinach may help!) because i'm intending (for the 2nd time) to go riding with the Women's Cycling Connection--a group of Tulsa women who go riding together on Thursdays. Last week was awesome, but i still feel pretty anxious. Mainly the thought of riding on the road. Surrounded by speeding, heartless vehicles and not knowing how to signal very well. glum.

Anyhow, here are a couple of poems i wrote this morning at Doubleshot while waiting for a friend to arrive (yay!). I wasn't prepared for writing, so had to jot them down on a couple of napkins with a green pen :) pretty sloppy. The first is, i guess, about not running away from relationships too quickly. And the second ends up being an admonishment (to meself) not to resent people who have something i want, especially when i don't find them particularly likeable ;) :( ohhhh dear.


Far too many ways to hide
(Crawl under or within)
Far too many ways to lie
(In sanctity, in sin)
More ways than most to say 'goodbye'
(The whisper or the shout)
But please don't think you have to try--
I'm here. I'll hear you out.


You cannot lose the certain
And you won't convince the sure--
The tipping-point is there to test
The faith of him, of her.
This vision valuing my pride
Nods slow, and knowingly,
Says, "In too deep, girl! Let it go,
And bygones, bygones be."

*Whew*

Well, this day has not been without its...moments. The yucky kind. Now all I want to do is simmer down with Maisie Dobbs...and i think that can happen, thank goodness.
Here is a poem on the aftermath of a stressful situation:

The whispered rustle of a fading woe
(Goes fast for one who walks tip-toe)--
The deeper breathing of a calming mind
(Slow-paddles for'ard, refusing to rewind
To scenes of high-strung pathos, self-imposed,
Or frames of guilty love--
to visit those
First undermines the resolution's chill,
Wakes dormant tension--then presents the bill.)

Today's photos are: 1) trouble, the happy sleepy kitty 2) daniel and i with yummy margaritas daniel made! 3) christi and i with the same! 4) the "pretty in pink" roll from yokozuma downtown. YUM YUM YUM! it was basically like eating dessert, which is my favorite. highly recommended (we substituted normal salmon for spicy salmon, though...)

Blueberry-Cacao Nib Scones

Well, it was a fun weekend of race watching! As well as chatting with April at Doubleshot, eating Andolini's pizza (and garlic knots and cannoli) with some friends and cyclists from st louis/wisconsin, actually riding my bike several days in a row... :) Oh, and a garage sale where i got a larger french press for $1!!! Daniel raced on Saturday and did Awesome despite having had to wake up at 4:30 and being exhausted! :( work, work, work. i managed to get a couple pictures of him racing, but as you can see, the quality/closeness isn't that great.
The felties are a box o' chocolates quartet, nestled inside a box from Glacier Chocolatier (who handed out free chocolates at some point during saturday's race--thank you thank you thank you!).
Sunday morning breakfast was homemade buttermilk scones (no picture, as they are all consumed) with blueberries and cacao nibs. Here is the recipe, as simple as I can make it:

1. Mix together: 2 c flour, 1/4 c sugar, 1 3/4 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp cinnamon.
2. Cut in: 1 stick of cold, unsalted butter.
3. Stir in 1/4 c cacao nibs and 1/4 c fresh blueberries.
4. Stir in 3/4 c cold buttermilk.
5. Turn dough onto floured surface and knead a few times before shaping into a disc about 1" thick. Cut dough into 8 wedges and place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.
6. Bake at 425 F for 14-17 min.
7. Eat with margarine (or butter of course!) and honey!

Remember that it is very important not to overmix scone dough! Also, this is a nice versatile recipe (that i may've posted before?)--the original called for orange zest and dried cherries--i omitted those in favor of the cinnamon, nibs, and bluebs.

Alright, it's time to start the day! woo-hoo! oh, and the question of the day is: how do you pronounce the "cacao" in "cacao nibs"?? :)

Summer Bouquet!

Tulsa Tough this weekend!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! starting tomorrow evening! Come watch! www.tulsatough.com for info!

A Wizard, A Scaredy-Cat, and some SWEET Icecream!

Hello!
I am taking the afternoon off...that is, I am going to relax by...um...first, folding laundry...and then reading Maisie Dobbs, which I just started!
Also, I am planning on eating lots of ice cream this summer, mainly because they just keep coming out with intriguing new flavors!! Like this Bluebunny "I do, I do! Wedding Cake" flavor complete with a raspberry swirl and REAL BITS OF CAKE! :) I assume I already raved on here about the Ben and Jerry's Red Velvet Cake ice cream? If not, shame on me! So good!
Next up on the photo line-up, two little sketches that amused me; and a paper doll wizard! outfit 1: old-school wizard; outfit 2: modern-day magician (evelyn, i'll probably send him along to you someday to keep feltie Gandalf company :)

And finally, what turned out to be a totally depressing poem about a fearful little nameless guy. i think i keep writing poems about fear, and that is because...i need to learn to drive on the highway comfortably again, and to not worry about things like people despising me to eternity if i bite into a pizza (as opposed to tearing bites off with a fork) and am left with bits of sauce or mushrooms in my teeth.

Some folks love surprises,
But I'm not that kind of chap--
At any moment, all my nerves
Are just about to snap.
So please don't yell "SURPRISE!" or "BOO!"
For birthdays or for fun,
Cause if you do, I tell you true,
My time on earth is done.
I've always been this anxious,
Even as a little child--
My first words were, "Help!" "SOS!"--
I never learned to smile.
But, to my credit, I have never
Suffered scrapes or scars,
Or broke a bone while climbing up
A tree to reach the stars.
I've lived a life of safety, which
Is why I make this plea:
Despise, vex, pity, I don't care,
Just PLEASE don't startle me!

Chocolate Cake and Baby Brontosaurus!

Howdy!

First item on the agenda: I am in LOVE with the "yummy breakfast" keychains, and there are also "yummy desserts" and "yummy donuts"! Anyway, there is a chance to win them here: http://www.mypapercrane.com/blog/?p=4319
And it's easy, you just have to leave a comment saying what your favorite dessert is! Check out MyPaperCrane's blog/etsy shop for some adorable toy creations! (my felties are jealous :( ;)

Well, I decided to share with you a cake recipe! Because I have been enjoying this particular cake Far too much all week (cake for breakfast...dessert...breakfast again...dessert post-lunch...) and want to distribute the temptation. It is a chocolate cake recipe from Rose's Heavenly Cakes by Rose Levy Beranbaum. The recipe in her book is titled "Chocolate Layer Cake with Caramel Ganache," but since my "inspiration" for making cake in the first place was an over-abundance of cream cheese and powdered sugar (=cream cheese frosting!), i left off the ganache, and it ended up just a single-layer chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. So. Chocolate Cake:

Mix together, then let cool to room temperature:
1/2 c plus 1 T cocoa powder
1/2 c boiling water

Whisk together, in separate bowl:
2 large eggs
3 T water
1 1/2 vanilla

In bowl of electric mixer, combine:
1 1/2 c plus 1 T cake flour
1 c sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt

Add, to dry ingredients, and beat for 1 1/2 min:
8 T unsalted butter
2 T canola oil
cocoa mixture.

Finally, in two additions, add the egg mixture, beating for 30 seconds and scraping down the bowl in-between additions.

Pour evenly into a 9" pan greased and lined with parchment paper. Bake at 350 F for 30-40 min. Let cool, and frost!

(The reason I chose this recipe is that it didn't use milk/sour cream/1/2 and 1/2...all those dairy ingredients cakes often call for that are most likely absent from my fridge.)

Next, I have to point out that I did NOT make that latte above. :( It is one of Isaiah's from Doubleshot. SO BEAUTIFUL AND DELICIOUS i wanted to share it! I never learned how to make that design. poo.

And, in picture #3: Can you spot the furry Izzy bottom? silly girl was playing in my closet.

And finally, i actually drew a couple quick illustrations for today's poem! It is a cautionary tale (don't bite balloons) concluding with a shout-out to all dentists (do floss!):

Baby brontosaurus bit
Into a blue balloon.
It popped, and he shot skyward,
Falling back--into a swoon.
His mother couldn't find him--
She despaired that he was dead,
And destined to be dinner,
Stuck between two slabs of bread!
"A brontosaurus sandwich--it's not RIGHT!
We're near extinct!
Oh, WHO would be so heartless?
Why, oh why, won't people THINK?!"
But soon, her son was stirring;
He woke, ravenous and cross.
He ate the poor, limp, blue balloon
(Which he found difficult to floss.)

Gardening!

Good Monday Morning!

Just wanted to share some photos of the garden! And to mention that Daniel did WONDERFULLY in his race on Turkey Mountain yesterday (1st place and only one tiny wreck! :) good job! If you're in Tulsa, you won't want to miss the Tulsa Tough next weekend, even if it's hot, hot, hot outside! (water and sunscreen. and more water.)

the other picture that is obviously not of a garden is of our latest Random Shirts from woot.com! robot-themed this time and absolutely lovely! :) quite wearable. (unfortunately the lighting was bad so you can't really see them anyway...)

oh, here is a new word: hiddelicious. it's a combo of hideous and delicious, and describes a chocolate cake i baked this weekend :)

and now, before daniel comes over to pick me up for our weekly Doubleshot outing (i'm thinking 'latte' today!), let's see if i can eke out a poem:

"A garden is a growing place,
And I'll destroy them all!
I HATE the THOUGHT of growing,
Since I'm but two-inches tall!
If ev'rything stayed stunted,
Never rose far from the ground,
I'd be much happier! Indeed,
My mind might still be sound!
But gardens torture me, they do!
They drive me to despair--
That little seeds should turn to trees--
It's more than I can bear!
So I'll destroy the gardens, yes!
With floods and bugs and fire!
So plant your seeds--but hark, indeed:
They'll sprout, but get no higher!"