To write?

Good morning!
There is the loveliest little praying mantis living in the garden! Of course, I frightened the poor dear when attempting my amateurish photography :) Also, a tiny grasshopper and...a MUTANT SUSAN! there are several of them--why?? i haven't sprayed them with nasty chemicals, and yet...these seem unnatural! (not actually that worried :)
So, confession of a time-waster: i finished the entire series (one season, poo) of Freaks and Geeks yesterday. it took me about a week...well, maybe two. But if you're reading a good book you don't just stop in the middle--so i had to keep watching because it was awesome and there were so many moments that made me smile...or even gasp, throw my hands over my mouth, and squeal for joy :) lots of cringing moments, too, kids heading for trouble...but you have to get to the end to know that everything, ultimately, is probably going to be all right. Anyway, thank you Christi for introducing me to so many great works of film and literature. :) WATCH IT! viva la netflix! or something :)

A poem, working out the 'what to do with life?' question. and now, it's off to work! have a great day!


I stole a glance into a greater mind
Whose words held power to persuade my own
To cower, beaten...(Pause. Breathe deep. Rewind)
...To learn from him: write willing, weak, unknown--
For strength is in the training, triumph in
The facing-of, emasculating, fear--
In, beaten senseless once, swinging again,
Or knowing when to walk--? It isn't clear...
Pursuit is welded to the mad-man Risk,
And Money to My Comfort (and my pride),
But passions, dreams, are plaguing me with this:
A vision of a life I can't abide.
To write, or not to write? Half-life or whole?
An empty pocket and a peaceful soul.

some cute things, some mopey things

picture 1: baby clothes!!
picture 2: orca feltie!
picture 3: my new favorite--SLOTH feltie!!!!
picture 4: an upside-down picture (grrr!) from yesterday when i was worrying about things
picture 5: a (sideways--double-grrr!) fret-map...??

finally, a song! ok, this is from yesterday, too--was SO tired i don't think it was helping me have a positive outlook, so...it's a mopey song! yay.

I. You were just a story
Never meant to be real,
Safely stored in memory
So I didn't have to deal.
Now I hear a rumor,
Says you're back again.
Well, I hope you have a sense of humor
Cause I'm not your long-lost friend.

Ch: When are you gonna say
I'm not living the life that I should?
That I've faded and betrayed
All that I had, all that was good

II. You were just a poet
Never meant to change my life,
You lived, I tried to follow
but I couldn't get it right.
It was easier just to run away,
And feed my dreams to Reason,
But she just turned away,
Explaining, "this is treason."

III. How can I forgive you
When you turn me upside down?
Or fill the shoe that wanders
But rarely meets the ground?
Hand me a pen and paper,
Please hold my shaking hand,
Then drop it, drop it, gently.
I hope you understand.

A plea, a plug, and a poem

Good late-morning!

I am so sleepy. 2.5 hours of sleep last night. If anyone has ANY recommendation/counsel for getting over being scared of the dark (or really, crazy creepy psychos who may attack you when it's dark)...i'd appreciate it. because this is RIDICULOUS and MADDENING and CANNOT CONTINUE. and don't worry, it's not every night, just the home-alone nights. i need: 1) a big dog 2) a small gun 3) sleeping meds and/or (but most definitely 4) faith that God loves and protects me. but then i start worrying about all the horrible things that DO happen in the world, even to good people, so...i realized last night that my problem is that i assume it's more likely for God to let bad things happen to people than to protect and save them from them. or something. i'm all confused and really pissed off at myself, and a little upset with God for not taking away all my fear just like *that* even though i prayed about it. why????

but before last night, it was a lovely weekend full of snuggling old puppies, feeding/patting horses, gathering eggs, and petting pretty barn cats. and finishing a great book, The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets)! Which is a novel about Britain post-WWII. reading Maisie Dobbs and this last book are making me want to homeschool so i can have my kids read well-written historical novels along with their history textbooks. What Maisie and The Lost Art do that i love is give you an idea of what it was like for people to actually live through the war and its aftermath. The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets centers around 4 British teenagers and makes a note of the fact that they grew up during the war, so living in a time of war is their norm. And now that rationing, etc, is over--there's so much more freedom but so much change that it's both incredible and disconcerting/confusing. Etc. Etc. I'm not a seasoned book-reviewer, so i'll stop there before i make it sound ridiculous, but seriously you should read it! and does anyone out there have any other historical novels that they love and would recommend?

This poem moves too quickly/flippantly.

I used to love the hidden things--
The secret, sacred ones--
The golden fleece, the waxen wings,
The stallion-driven Sun...

The stories one must seek to learn,
The lore by Time undone--
And undermined by busy lives
That, frantic always, run

From pageantry to parking lots,
From pressures to parades...

From wonder-craving ancient minds
To six-foot-perfect graves.

Celebration Photos and a Long-ish Quote

Good Morning--nearly the weekend, woo-hoo! images above are from our celebration last night! that little dress is so fun to wear--it inspired me to belt out some jazz while waiting for daniel to finish work :) just need a microphone :(

No poem today, just a quote from this book Surprised by the Voice of God by John Deere:

"The sovereignty of God is scary in another way as well. If we get too close to him, he might send us somewhere we don't want to go, or make us do sommething we don't want to do, or be something we don't want to be--even the last place or thing we want to go, do, or be. We've all heard that dark voice whisper, 'If you get too close to God, your worst fears will come true. He'll hurt you worse than you can bear.' When we believe that voice, we lose some of our confidence in God and we look around for a substitute in which to trust. The substitute may be the Bible, theology, liturgy, church work, or just about any good thing. We can use all these things to keep God and others from getting close enough to hurt us. No one ever does this consciously. Our theology forbids it. No one could get away with saying, 'I have decided to trust theology more than God.'
I didn't say it, didn't know it, but I had done this. The signs were all around me. I had become more comfortable with principles than people, with ideas than intimacy. Principles and ideas don't hurt you like God and people do. And they're much easier to manipulate. The fact that I was an academic made it even easier for me to develop a nonrelational personality in the comfortable world of thought. Had I not been an academic, I could have just as easily hidden in church work or ministry. Fear of intimacy will always find a substitute suitable for your own individual personality. You'll never know you've chosen the substitute unless the mercy of God comes to you. And that mercy may come in pain..."

A juxtaposition

Guess what?! it's the 22nd, which means 9 month anniversary! So tonight, Daniel and I are going to eat dinner at Delesandro's--an italian place i've heard wonderful things about!--and then home for those amaretto martinis i mentioned :) the 'goods' are here...it's gonna happen! and i get to dress up, thanks to Nana who sent me the most adorable little black dress :) yay!

there's a little punky-girl feltie with red heels. christi read that book and said she liked it...i haven't, but thought it'd make a nice back drop :) and a chocolate-covered smiley-berry! our oven at work was broken today (NOT a good thing if you work at a bakery) so we got creative with making things that don't require an oven. such as these strawberries! fun!

and finally, a poem...it was just the first two stanzas but once i typed them out it kept going :) (i think it may be evidence that i'm subconsciously pursuing a career as a rapper...)

Whistling winds and rustling leaves
Rushing waters, words that weave
A spell of sounding symmetry
Of lies that wither, truths that breathe

Of substance on a surface grained
With hard-won triumphs, crouching pain
A first-glance Beauty--second, same--
That Beauty love and wisdom gain

Go, take away her wings, her words
Divide his heartache into thirds
Go, build your kingdom where it hurts
Destroying souls that dared to stir

You know the loveless die alone
While those they've broken make it home
You know this in your hardened heart
(As bones grow thick once torn apart)

The emperor and martyred man
The distant and the close-at-hand
The crown, the crypt, the common-place
May we both live and die with grace

Amaretto Martinis, Mushroom Girls, and a Poem on Lost Things

Hello--
a new bouquet! and more flowers from our yard! also, two "mushroom girl" felties, pattern once again from the Felties book. the 'mushroom girl' is probably my favorite feltie from the book, but due to the beading i'd been putting her off. today was the day!
Here's what i have to look forward to on Wednesday (9 mo anniversary! :) :
Amaretto Martinis! Which, if i am remembering correctly, are--

1 part vanilla vodka,
1 part amaretto liqueur,
maraschino cherry juice (to taste)
maraschino cherry! (garnish)

shake up the liquid components with a little ice so it's not TOO terribly strong.

yummy!!!! hooray for monthly anniversaries :)
and finally, a short little poem:

What's behind the curtain? What's
Beyond the crystal sea?
When all you've loved goes missing,
Both from arms and memory.
But somewhere--in your castle,
Or a dusty, sun-swept land--
What's lost is waiting to be found,
Is holding out its hand.

Thunderstorm as Metaphor (of course!)

Good Monday Morning!
Thought I'd try to post something before leaving for Monday Morning Doubleshot Time with Daniel! :) such a great way to start the week. Finished Maisie Dobbs number 4 over the weekend (Messenger of Truth)...got through the first two pages of number 5 last night (realized it was probably wiser to just sleep :) Anyway, they're still excellent, so you should read them! Good detective stories that are teaching me a TON about post-World War I England as well!

Todays photos:
1. Christi, the Boxcar Children, and the Burrito
2-3. Daniel and I doing our best to emulate devil kitty
4. Cycling tan!! :)
5. Lopsided Samurai Cat (pattern from the Felties book) and Izz-bot the Great!

Short li'l poem:

Only when the words are halting,
Only then you know
(Start and stop, start-stop again,
Afraid to face the "Go")--
There's more to life than picnicking--
Pure, undiluted storm,
And chills that leave you, wondering,
"I'll ne'er again be warm."
Don't ask to see your godmother,
She's sold her wand and wings,
And all that she can do for you
Is whisper, "You poor thing!"
So, are you on your own now?
Forced to grow up far too fast?
Don't assume you have the answers
Till the thunderstorm has passed.