the stage, the stage

Greetings and salutations! (that was for Daniel)
Well, i feel like i'm currently living in a minefield, because i heard the sound of izzy wretching, but can find no...evidence. *shudder*

first of all, as i have now watched the ComPlete series of My So-Called Life, i must acknowledge that not all of the beautiful friendships in that series endured till the end. :( as daniel said, in response to my subsequent lamentation, "but that's high school." which i guess it is. grrrowl. i don't have to like it.

Got to watch Rent last night! (which i now OWN, woot!) it made me realize that i DO want to be a dramatic diva, and i DO need to be able to dance at least a Leetle bit in order to make it on the stage, sigh...i canNot dance. at this present moment. anyway, that top picture is depicting my current frame of mind, as is this poem (should mention: the poem is not Just about longing to be on stage, but watching Rent also makes me want to move to NY and be with the people who are hurting in those ways. but i could be doing something Now, of course, and am not.) oh yeah, and the other pictures are from ashley's wedding in wichita last weekend! yay!:


Scripted breaths,
Constructed deaths,
False lives I truly love,
Whose written words
Soul-longing stir
For drama, depth...and such.

A stage, a screen, or an ideal--
Passion focused, free.
Now what can hold me back? A voice,
And fear when facing choice,
The taunting, glittering of gold
That chills your backbone cold--
Just out of reach, this dream.
(You fool--
Who made up these rules?)

Actually, A Poem

good gracious i need to read that Boundaries book fast, or something. right now my boundary is glaring at people i have a problem with, because i know that if i have an actual confrontation, i'll just stutter and sound Stupid until i end up admitting i'm wrong. which i always am. why is everything always my fault?? because i have such a bad, glaring attitude that completely overwhelms the original issue. or something.
anyway. the point is, i (through no initiation of my own) admitted to being wrong about something earlier that involved a truck-load of glaring and obvious silent anger, and...it's all so confusing and now i'm part-wondering if i just have NO backbone whatsoever, and if i'm just a jerk to people because i know if it comes to an argument they will crush me, but mainly...i have a rotten attitude sometimes, downright evil. and i hurt people i actually love...
[which is something we all do at times. and going back to the previous post, i Love watching friendships like the ones in My So-Called Life and Rent (the musical) because the people are so obviously broken and they hurt each other a lot...but they still love each other so well. and i want to be that obviously broken, because what a relief (of all the pretending), and to love people like that and know i'm loved like that. which i am, but i don't usually truly believe it.]
anyway again, i wrote a poem. woot.

End solitude--a tear
Regardless of what resolution passed,
Regret.
And now, new roads, routines,
To circumvent the threat:
Recurring roots of bitterness,
Of wrath.
Remember this, or waste relationship--
A mile-running row of broken trusts,
And tears ten-fold in ev'ry eye
But mine,
Too hardened to hear hurt,
Unblinking,
Only...passing by.
So, at the end of all,
Or in the fray--
A hope?
A Promise.
Rest-assuring, Sure:
That burdened, broken hearts will float away,
Find love, find healing,
Living
"Follow Me."

my so-called life...and some felties

so...the latest television show i should have never started watching, because i am now addicted: My So-Called Life. it's been making me cry all week :) not in a bad way. i love it love it love it, despite the attendant guilt of watching more TV than i ought. anyway, it's similar to Freaks and Geeks in that the main character is a smart, typically-responsible high school girl who starts hanging out with a crowd of people that her parents don't understand...accompanying rebellion and growth. once again, i'm the WORST book/film reviewer in the history of history, but please just watch one episode and see if you don't love it. one of my favorite parts is that the three main friends always kiss each other on the cheek good-bye, european style :)

sorry the bride and groom are upside-down. crazy!

something to work on: not letting my thoughts run away with themselves, driving me to anger/fear/discouragement. Today's runaway emotion: anger. anger hurts other people, though, worse than fear. that was last week. sigh.

Watching Grease, Eating Cake

...and Monster Cookie Ice Cream! which Daniel was nice enough to get for me even though he doesn't like peanut butter...(it's delicious, go Blue Bunny go!)

So, question: how many high schools have Actually set up a carnival for graduation? how expensive!!

oh my, 'Aunt Irma' must be on her way, cause the end of Grease is threatening to make me cry...THANK GOODNESS THEY GOT TOGETHER! ;)

So, here is something fun: http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/197
It's a collection of descriptions of poetic forms. Today I learned about the "Bop," tried to write one, and now I realize that I messed it up, but here's what it's supposed to be:
A 3-stanza poem, with the stanzas including 6, 8, and 6 lines, and each stanza followed by a repeating line. (my mistake was to include the repeating line in the 6-8-6 count). The first stanza should state a problem, the second be an exploration of the problem, and the 3rd either a resolution or an explanation of why the problem cannot/has not reached resolution. So, here is my almost-but-totally-not-a-Bop poem (it's about how hard it is to 'settle down' to write...to allow myself to devote more than, say, 5 minutes, to writing. Shouldn't be a problem, but it is somehow) :

Only halting time
Can hush the music of Moving Forward--
Else clocks must chime
Each cricket chirp,
My caffeinated heart beat madly. Yes

I'm caught up in the drive, and driven

To precipice and impotence,
To fervent prayers for peacefulness,
The mastery of my own [quiet] mind,
And one good word.
You see, at night, each Tick...Tock...
Pulls me back to tossing, turning,
And in the morning, urging, screaming, "Go!" Because

I'm caught up in the drive, and driven

To constant conscience-guilt.
Yet Rest lives somewhere, and is Good. He whispers
"Drop your burdens and abandon Time,
Write long for both our pleasure."

Some days I try to listen, but

I'm caught up in the drive, and driven.

Alfie the Ant

Whew, it's been nearly a week since the last post! During that time, i have: finished the lineup of angry birds felties (unless i decide to make that pig with the mustache :) ), received my first rejection letter from a publisher!! (picture above), said goodbye to christi who is leaving for uganda tomorrow (see photo of sad self), ate a giant burrito (chipotle), um...and other things! oh, began familiarizing myself with the music from Wicked, thanks go Nicole's repeated praising of it...and she's right, it's great! give it a listen!

and, here is a poem about a crazy ant.


Alfie Antie lived in fear
Of Magnifying Glasses--
He'd heard they transform tiny bugs
To flames and smoke and gasses.
In fact, his great-ant Alba had
Been killed by such a monster--
She thought that she could fight it,
But this time, her valor cost her.
So Alfie's Mom and Dad had warned him
Since he was an egg:
"Look lively, and stay clear if you
Would keep both life and leg!"
Imagine, therefore, Alfie's shock
On sighting this foul beast--
It dangled, swaying, from a chord.
He thought, "Is it deceased?
Was justice done, the great Glass hung?
I think it must be so!
I must creep closer to the corpse,
That way, I'll truly know!"
He crawled until he could crawl down
The chord that held his foe,
And, as the monster made no move,
His heart began to slow.
He mused, "I've naught to fear! In fact,
I'll never fear again!"
He danced right down the handle, reached the lens,
And then peered in:
Well, what to his small wond'ring eyes?
The world grew so large
He saw his Mum quite far away,
Consoling Antie Marge.
He saw his Father carrying
A most impressive load,
And--"Oh my goodness! Sissy's playing
Near a hungry toad!"
As Alfie wondered what to do,
The breezes changed their path,
The Magnifying Glass awoke,
And faced the toad in wrath!
Ka-Ching! Poor Alfie saw it,
Sunlight bright enough to kill!
It hit the toad's left eye--and he
Fled, hopping up the hill!
And Alfie, too, fled, pondering
His enemy's good deed:
Why was it done? How had it known
That Sissy was in need?
Young Alfie told no other ant
The wonders of that day--
I doubt that they could answer
All his questions, anyway.

I Killed It :(

One of Christi's martini glasses, that is...two out of an original four have met their demise at my hand...and foot. Accidents! They hide under couches, they crouch delicately in unyielding sinks...poor guys. :( anyway, today's poem is both a homage to the dearly departed, and an exercise in meter. Trying to break out of any rut I may be in... :)
Anyway, last night was So fun--a very talented friend came over to sing musicals, Christi joined in--so we made it through several selections from Fiddler on the Roof, a couple from Grease, "A Little Priest" and "The Worst Pies in London" from Sweeney Todd, and concluded with "One Day I'll Fly Away" from Moulin Rouge. oh, not forgetting our detour into Labyrinth's "Magic Dance." :) pretty much rocked!

Anyway, so here is the poem. No, it's not good, but the martini glass won't know, it's dead. :(

Once ivory, my gown is olive green
And wafting scents of brine.
A trembling hand, a fragile stem--
It's time.

Once giddy from the ghastly touch of gin,
I crave unhindered tears--
But no one weeps at parties, darn it.
Cheers!

Is causeless celebration worth the ache
Of hindsight's wise regret?
I should lie down, or leave--but no,
Not yet.

The night is young.

Guest poet! :)

Good Morning...wait...mid-afternoon! my mind is all kaboobled from doing the p90x cardio workout with Daniel! muhaha! the sad thing is, i turned our AC down several degrees (from 83 to 76) during the course of the workout, and it hasn't even changed 1 degree. it's still 83 in here. Whew! and, for good measure, GRRR!

after going to Sam's for work, and Dilly Deli for breakfast (hash browns topped with prosciutto, pesto, sun-dried tomatoes and two over-medium eggs), we went to Doubleshot for some thinking/writing/drawing/crosswording time. oh, and coffee-drinking of course :) After i struggled to write a sonnet, daniel wrote a poem too, which he has given me permission to share, yay! the turquoise drawings above are his as well :)the other pictures are: angry birds felties! (more to come) and Burrito-Trouble's glands being "expressed" by Christi's cousin who is in vet school and visited over the weekend! this is often a very smelly job, so we had all our candles laid out on the kitchen table, ready to be lit...but it turned out that two candles was enough to handle the odor (mojito and carribbean escape :). for more information on "expressing" these glands, which are common to both cats and dogs, see reputable internet resources. i don't actually know anything...except it smells.
Okay, here is Daniel's Poem!:

Too much of it in my gut
Seeping slowly from vein to vein
Mind paces circles into a rut
Too soon nervous energy starts to wane
Addiction creeps in filling a moat
With no escape no bridge or boat
Thoughts I will free, cost set aside
Another cup I will soon abide
Coffee

And here is mine that needs help:

Slipping from "It's going swimmingly!"
When lagging waves grow rougher, overwhelm
My sense of safety (here read: constancy)--
I'm more 'at sea' than master at the helm.

And ocean language suits the matter well:
Land-locked or not, I've felt the waters rise,
Have drowned--in dread or dreams--beneath their spell
As quests for days foreseen end in surprise--

Surprise--the gold that glittered yesterday
Is lost again. Surprise--that storm has passed.
Surprise--there is a time to disobey.
Surprise--this final journey's not your last.

The matter is: a high and then a low,
All barely knowing where I'm meant to go.